Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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