As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
