Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Randomize
