Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
