Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
