I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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