I want to walk on stilts...naked
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
