he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
