She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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