I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Randomize
