I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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