y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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