my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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