I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
