If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
