Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
