Umm I'm too high to move.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
