Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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