did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
