We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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