Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
