woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
