omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
you're hired as official boob wrangler