and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
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I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
They took my balls.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.