she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
