i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Randomize
