I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
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We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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