I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
