the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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