u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
