doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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