I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
