I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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