I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
