he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
