Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
