I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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