I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
