Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
