You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
