Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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