"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
