May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
