this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
