That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
