peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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