I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
