I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's never too late to be topless.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
