Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
