pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
