Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
