its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
