Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
