Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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