Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
