Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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