woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
