I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
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