i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
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Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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