You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
